Dear Alcohol

You have been there in the best and worst times of my life, you have been there during the times of triumph and the times of defeat, every celebration and every consolation.. through every anniversary, every monthsary, every girl, every heartache and every heartbreak..

I have leaned on you when there was no one else to lean on, you kept me company when everyone else was busy or didn’t care at all what i was going through. All this time, whenever there was pain, I counted on you to make it go away, to make me forget, to make the heavy emotions and deep anxiety go away. 

I used your magic from time to time, got myself in crazy, life-threatening, exciting, erotic and thrill seeking situations, I loved myself when I was with you, I felt free, I felt strong and powerful, I felt like anything was possible whenever I’m with you. 

You were my drug, my escape… my solitude.

I didn’t realise that over the past years, depending on you to be there for me when no one else was there to understand whatever it was I was going through led me to believe that I am a strong person, that I can hide my emotions from everyone because I know that at the end of the day, you will be there with me no matter what.

I kept every pain and anxiety I’m going through, all my doubts and fears, my insecurities, my frustrations, I kept all of it to myself thinking that all the good times, all the celebrations and death defying acts I spent with you and my peers was reason enough for everyone to believe that I was strong, that all I needed to be happy was you, that i was content with my life with you by my side.

I was wrong. You became my poison.

Leaning on you translated to my ignorance of accepting my vulnerabilities, knowing that my intention of being with you was to forget all of the negative thoughts in my head, to feel better and get by with life, but over time i realised that you were a band aid solution to my problems, a temporary cure, a quick fix.

You became my vulnerability, I got so familiarised with the feeling of confidence when im with you, i didn’t realise that I built a different persona whenever you’re with me, a destructive, selfish and inconsiderate person. I have built and broken relationships, used and manipulated people, hurt and offended people who didn’t deserve it.. all under your watchful eye.

I became a time bomb, i got so used to keeping my feelings and emotions to myself that when it came to a point that i lost control of you, you took over and i lost myself and exploded.. i wanted things to have gone my way because of the arrogance i got used to when i was with you, i got used to the confidence i felt, and the feeling that I can solve anything with your help… but when everything was on the line, i thought you were my secret weapon, but as it turned out, you consumed me, you were a jealous bitch and you stabbed me in the back.. that was on me though for trusting you too much and letting you take control.. but despite that, I want to stop blaming you every time i hurt and disappoint people whenever I explode because I lose control of your influence, I want to be myself with no one else to blame whenever i fuck things up, because when i lose control of you, i forget and ignore who i really am for the sake of being with you.

I don’t want to lean on you again, I want to dig deep down and find myself in sobriety, i need to stop relying on you whenever there are life-changing situations that I have to make judgement calls on, i need to learn the balance of confidence and rationality, the value of restraint and expressing emotions without depending on your help so that I wouldn’t vomit everything in one go when i should be pacing the situation.

dear alcohol, you have been there for me for most of my life, but now im afraid im gonna need to distance myself from you.. I need to find myself outside our relationship. I need to fix myself and be a better person without relying on you to take care of me whenever im down.

I would avoid you in times of grief and sorrow, i need to feel pain and be able to deal with it by myself.. you will always have a special place in my life, all the joys we shared together will never be forgotten and will always be treasured in my memory… but right now, I’m breaking up with you but I would still want to be your friend that keeps in touch from time to time, a friend that i would only want to share good memories with and eventually share the story about what life became after our breakup, how i learned and grew from our experience together. Hopefully when we catch up, it would be out of celebration and out of joy.

This is the hardest breakup I ever had to do, and this time, I need to deal with this alone.

Arrividerci

Sincerely,

K

The Knockout Punch

L,

It’s been quite some time since I last made an effort to communicate with you or even bothered to care about anything related to you to be honest.

Yes it’s true that we both deserved closure, a proper ending or at least a decent one, but sadly we were not able to get any one of those over the past 8 months. I know you’ve made efforts to try and communicate or meet up after the breakup, but for whatever reason they were for, I simply decided to ignore you, because if I’m gonna be totally honest, not one part of me thought you deserved any more attention from me, I didn’t want to waste even a single second for you cause I believed that I have wasted enough.

Over the course of our relationship I always tried to do my best and give my best and do whatever it is in my power to try and give you whatever it is you may want, at the beginning it was like a dream come true, everything fell into place and I honestly thought that who was I to have deserved someone like you in my life, you were my dream come true, a fairy tale come to life, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

As the relationship went by, we began to see things differently, the differences between our cultures and our upbringings started to show, as the guy in the relationship I figured that I should be the one to adjust and bend my principles a bit for the benefit of the relationship, it didn’t matter what it was, I loved you so much that I didn’t want to lose you, but what I didn’t realize was that I was losing myself and who I was for trying to please you and give you whatever it is you wanted.

You wanted to be seen as the star, the center of all the attention and the envy of the world, I was the opposite, I spent my entire adult life avoiding the kind of attention that you wanted from others because I have had enough of that growing up. I couldn’t blame you for wanting that because I know for a fact that it’s the difference of the way we were raised and so I tried to tolerate you.

I am aware of what I am and what I’m not, and I apologize if I wasn’t the guy you wanted to flaunt and show off to your friends and colleagues and even the guys you used to date. I knew everything all along but I powered through the relationship even after knowing that I was making a fool out of myself already, that was how much I loved you, but sadly, towards the end, you saw me struggling and in pain but all you did was push me away and gave further attention to people whom I believed didn’t really matter in your personal life if you were gonna move forward with me.

Our relationship was not meant to be, I realized that, the moment we ended, I knew I didn’t want you back, I knew that I wasn’t gonna make a fool out of myself trying to fight for you and our relationship anymore. I ignored you because I wanted to, I didn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, not because I was scared of any confrontation with you.

But now you are right, we needed closure, and this is it. I am not mad at you, I’m not angry or bitter towards you, we both deserve to be happy and I really am right now, I got to see who was there when I was down and got to thank the people who helped me get back up, it took me quite some time but I got back everything that I lost, but like you said, glasses that are broken can never really be fixed completely, the cracks will always be there, and to be honest, you have nothing to be sorry about because like you said, you were just being yourself, it just came to show that we want different things in life and now its clear that we were not the right match for each other. We crossed paths to make each other grow and learn from this experience.

It’s not a matter of who wins or loses the breakup anymore, we both deserve to move on with our lives without each other, we’re both happy with our lives right now and let’s not add any more stress from the past.

In a way, I am thankful for what we had and what we both went through, charge to experience, we both came out stronger and wiser. I am happy for you if you said that you have realized your own things for yourself, despite all that’s happened, I still do believe that you are a strong and smart woman and I know you would be able to do whatever it is you want and achieve whatever it is you want to achieve. I will always remember you as being both a blessing and a lesson.

Thank you for the experience and the closure. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.

This is goodbye.

K