Dear Alcohol

You have been there in the best and worst times of my life, you have been there during the times of triumph and the times of defeat, every celebration and every consolation.. through every anniversary, every monthsary, every girl, every heartache and every heartbreak..

I have leaned on you when there was no one else to lean on, you kept me company when everyone else was busy or didn’t care at all what i was going through. All this time, whenever there was pain, I counted on you to make it go away, to make me forget, to make the heavy emotions and deep anxiety go away. 

I used your magic from time to time, got myself in crazy, life-threatening, exciting, erotic and thrill seeking situations, I loved myself when I was with you, I felt free, I felt strong and powerful, I felt like anything was possible whenever I’m with you. 

You were my drug, my escape… my solitude.

I didn’t realise that over the past years, depending on you to be there for me when no one else was there to understand whatever it was I was going through led me to believe that I am a strong person, that I can hide my emotions from everyone because I know that at the end of the day, you will be there with me no matter what.

I kept every pain and anxiety I’m going through, all my doubts and fears, my insecurities, my frustrations, I kept all of it to myself thinking that all the good times, all the celebrations and death defying acts I spent with you and my peers was reason enough for everyone to believe that I was strong, that all I needed to be happy was you, that i was content with my life with you by my side.

I was wrong. You became my poison.

Leaning on you translated to my ignorance of accepting my vulnerabilities, knowing that my intention of being with you was to forget all of the negative thoughts in my head, to feel better and get by with life, but over time i realised that you were a band aid solution to my problems, a temporary cure, a quick fix.

You became my vulnerability, I got so familiarised with the feeling of confidence when im with you, i didn’t realise that I built a different persona whenever you’re with me, a destructive, selfish and inconsiderate person. I have built and broken relationships, used and manipulated people, hurt and offended people who didn’t deserve it.. all under your watchful eye.

I became a time bomb, i got so used to keeping my feelings and emotions to myself that when it came to a point that i lost control of you, you took over and i lost myself and exploded.. i wanted things to have gone my way because of the arrogance i got used to when i was with you, i got used to the confidence i felt, and the feeling that I can solve anything with your help… but when everything was on the line, i thought you were my secret weapon, but as it turned out, you consumed me, you were a jealous bitch and you stabbed me in the back.. that was on me though for trusting you too much and letting you take control.. but despite that, I want to stop blaming you every time i hurt and disappoint people whenever I explode because I lose control of your influence, I want to be myself with no one else to blame whenever i fuck things up, because when i lose control of you, i forget and ignore who i really am for the sake of being with you.

I don’t want to lean on you again, I want to dig deep down and find myself in sobriety, i need to stop relying on you whenever there are life-changing situations that I have to make judgement calls on, i need to learn the balance of confidence and rationality, the value of restraint and expressing emotions without depending on your help so that I wouldn’t vomit everything in one go when i should be pacing the situation.

dear alcohol, you have been there for me for most of my life, but now im afraid im gonna need to distance myself from you.. I need to find myself outside our relationship. I need to fix myself and be a better person without relying on you to take care of me whenever im down.

I would avoid you in times of grief and sorrow, i need to feel pain and be able to deal with it by myself.. you will always have a special place in my life, all the joys we shared together will never be forgotten and will always be treasured in my memory… but right now, I’m breaking up with you but I would still want to be your friend that keeps in touch from time to time, a friend that i would only want to share good memories with and eventually share the story about what life became after our breakup, how i learned and grew from our experience together. Hopefully when we catch up, it would be out of celebration and out of joy.

This is the hardest breakup I ever had to do, and this time, I need to deal with this alone.

Arrividerci

Sincerely,

K

The Knockout Punch

L,

It’s been quite some time since I last made an effort to communicate with you or even bothered to care about anything related to you to be honest.

Yes it’s true that we both deserved closure, a proper ending or at least a decent one, but sadly we were not able to get any one of those over the past 8 months. I know you’ve made efforts to try and communicate or meet up after the breakup, but for whatever reason they were for, I simply decided to ignore you, because if I’m gonna be totally honest, not one part of me thought you deserved any more attention from me, I didn’t want to waste even a single second for you cause I believed that I have wasted enough.

Over the course of our relationship I always tried to do my best and give my best and do whatever it is in my power to try and give you whatever it is you may want, at the beginning it was like a dream come true, everything fell into place and I honestly thought that who was I to have deserved someone like you in my life, you were my dream come true, a fairy tale come to life, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

As the relationship went by, we began to see things differently, the differences between our cultures and our upbringings started to show, as the guy in the relationship I figured that I should be the one to adjust and bend my principles a bit for the benefit of the relationship, it didn’t matter what it was, I loved you so much that I didn’t want to lose you, but what I didn’t realize was that I was losing myself and who I was for trying to please you and give you whatever it is you wanted.

You wanted to be seen as the star, the center of all the attention and the envy of the world, I was the opposite, I spent my entire adult life avoiding the kind of attention that you wanted from others because I have had enough of that growing up. I couldn’t blame you for wanting that because I know for a fact that it’s the difference of the way we were raised and so I tried to tolerate you.

I am aware of what I am and what I’m not, and I apologize if I wasn’t the guy you wanted to flaunt and show off to your friends and colleagues and even the guys you used to date. I knew everything all along but I powered through the relationship even after knowing that I was making a fool out of myself already, that was how much I loved you, but sadly, towards the end, you saw me struggling and in pain but all you did was push me away and gave further attention to people whom I believed didn’t really matter in your personal life if you were gonna move forward with me.

Our relationship was not meant to be, I realized that, the moment we ended, I knew I didn’t want you back, I knew that I wasn’t gonna make a fool out of myself trying to fight for you and our relationship anymore. I ignored you because I wanted to, I didn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, not because I was scared of any confrontation with you.

But now you are right, we needed closure, and this is it. I am not mad at you, I’m not angry or bitter towards you, we both deserve to be happy and I really am right now, I got to see who was there when I was down and got to thank the people who helped me get back up, it took me quite some time but I got back everything that I lost, but like you said, glasses that are broken can never really be fixed completely, the cracks will always be there, and to be honest, you have nothing to be sorry about because like you said, you were just being yourself, it just came to show that we want different things in life and now its clear that we were not the right match for each other. We crossed paths to make each other grow and learn from this experience.

It’s not a matter of who wins or loses the breakup anymore, we both deserve to move on with our lives without each other, we’re both happy with our lives right now and let’s not add any more stress from the past.

In a way, I am thankful for what we had and what we both went through, charge to experience, we both came out stronger and wiser. I am happy for you if you said that you have realized your own things for yourself, despite all that’s happened, I still do believe that you are a strong and smart woman and I know you would be able to do whatever it is you want and achieve whatever it is you want to achieve. I will always remember you as being both a blessing and a lesson.

Thank you for the experience and the closure. I wish you the best of luck moving forward.

This is goodbye.

K

just Before it starts..

Faded..

..are my memories of you and the times we met in the past, I could only catch glimpses and short flashbacks of how you looked like when we were children.. I could barely remember anything about you..

and now here we stand.. in a foreign country, all grown up, careers ahead of us and a whole new perspective about the world.. I must say, I would be stupid not to give this a shot. I kinda like the woman you've become. But then again, just before the story starts..

A little something about myself..

I'm not the regular kind of guy, to be honest, I don't really know what kind of guy I am, some will say that I'm the sweetest and kindest guy they ever had, and some wishes that I burn in hell. I've made mistakes in the past and I might make some again in the future, I can never really tell. I never got to defend myself in some of those cases, it's only through this blog that I vent out whatever it is I want to vent out, because I believe that there's always two sides to every story, and the truth is made out of what the majority believe it to be, but not necessarily the actual truth itself.

I've been through a lot of bullshit over the past few years, a lot of ups and downs, failed relationships and a whole lot of stories to tell.. but this is not the time to talk about all that..

I'm not impressed with the cup size or the curves on a girls body, I'm more interested in a womans wit and intellect, career drive and passion for the unknown, I thought I'd never find someone who has all of it, to be honest I kinda gave up on it, but then here you are. I'm not sure how we'll connect tomorrow when we meet again after such a long time, and hell, I don't even know if you'll look at me that way, I'm writing this just in case it would mean something in the future, and because I couldn't believe that we were given the chance to meet at this stage of our lives, and I'm that kind of guy who believes that everything happens for a reason.

If you read through this blog, you'll see how much I believed in love, how much heartbreak and headaches I've been through trying to find the "one".. It's sad to say that all the girls in the previous articles all ended up mad or heartbroken.. and I'm sorry for that, I'll take all the blame for it for whatever it's worth.. these were all in the past and I've put it all behind me.. point is, they all just ended up being stories to tell..

I'm nervous, I haven't been so in a while, probably because I never thought I'd find someone like you especially in a place like this, you are exactly the kind of woman that I want to get to know better, and hopefully, this time fate will give me a break.

Just Before I Go

G,

I know I haven’t been fair to you the past month, even if you tell me that everything is okay, I’m not stupid not to realize that you’ve been hurting because of me. I didn’t want this to be D all over again that it will come to a point where I’ll take your kindness for granted and do whatever I want.

N came and went, it was the adventure I needed, the escape I always wanted, and somehow, I’ll be honest, I got caught between fantasy and reality, for awhile I thought that maybe I could have just let you go and went with her to God knows where, but I didn’t, you know I have issues with word dropping, and believe it or not, I didn’t tell her anything to have mislead her into coming back or staying or whatsoever, the same thing with you, I always kept it real, the whole time I was with you were the only times for the longest time that I was actually myself, I was speaking sincerely and honestly whenever I was with you, past issues with my exes friends and the reputation I never wanted, specially the time that I told you that I didn’t know what to do with my life, and that I didn’t know how to move forward with what could have been our relationship without having something to be proud of.  I was sincere when I told you that I wanted what we had, it’s all I could have asked for, Trish was right, you were my chance at finally finding someone worth settling down for, I knew all the facts, and I was ready for it, I meant every single word I said… but then Seda happened.

We both know we happened way too quick, and its not an issue, the problem was I jumped into our relationship thinking that I had a guaranteed future here in Manila,  and I was fucked up like crazy when that shit with Seda happened, I didn’t know what to do, I had to draw up another plan, and that was when N came.

I had to think, maybe Seda happened to slap it in my face that I was not meant to work here or stay here, and maybe N came here to remind me that I still have much of the world to see, and that it was not yet time to settle down. I don’t know, these are endless thoughts and theories that I’ll never get to prove, but I did realize those things during my trip last April, and don’t get me wrong, it was never a choice between you and N, it never was and it never will be. It was a choice between staying here or leaving, and you know the path I chose, I always had bad luck here, and so I chose to leave.

I wanted it to be you, to be us, but the timing and the circumstance doesn’t add up, I just have to do this, I want to achieve this goal and finally have something to be proud of that I worked hard for, and when the time comes that my pride and ego gets the better of me again, please remember this, remember that I was always real with you, no pretensions, no lies, remember that you have been part of my life even for that short period of time, thank you for making me feel that I can be loved and cared for regardless of what kind of past I had. You were there for me at my lowest point but you still believed in me, you have no idea how much I’m grateful to you for doing so.

This was not an easy decision to make, but this is for the better, its better that we do this now than end up hurting each other when were apart. Sometimes I wish that you could have been just an annoying bitch who nags and complains all the time to make all this easier, but you're not, and the fact that there's nothing I can complain about you makes this a hundred times harder, because you don't deserve to have been put through all this shit.

I won’t ask you to wait for me, I wont even ask you to talk to me or ask you anything at all, this was my side of the story, I couldn’t care less if you believe me or not, but you know how I am when it comes to these things and I owe this to you, for everything, for your time and your affection and for letting me into your life, not knowing that It will end like this.

I don’t know if you’ll believe anything I say right now, and some of your friends will probably hate me even more, I’m sorry, it was never a game, and I always took what we had and what we could have had seriously, I could have left without saying anything, but I can’t do that to someone like you, like I said, you were a gem, and I probably will regret letting you go, but that’s how life is, we take risks and be prepared for the consequences, and this was my risk to take.

I will always keep the rosary near me, and I will always be grateful that I had someone like you even for a short period of time, and I will always regret not having been the one to have given you the attention and the future you deserve, but for now, I really must leave.

I changed, yes, I learned my mistakes from D, and I didn't want this to end the same way and so I chose to end it before it even began. I don't know what that makes me, if it damages my reputation even more, I don't know and I don't care, but please know that I never had any intention of playing with your feelings and hurting you, fate just didn't let the stars align for us this time, and believe me that if they did, I would never have let you go, but sometimes things doesn't always go our way, like I said, there's always a catch, and this happened to be it.

This is not to sugarcoat or whatever, but I always meant what I said about how I look at you as a person, as a woman, you deserve to be loved more than you know, and you will be.

God bless the guy who gets you.


Sincerely,

K

Moments...

After a hard days work, I dunno what got into me but I can't sleep, after an eighteen hour day, can't seem to find the sleep in me...

Randomly browsing social media, a friend suddenly messaged me about a certain someone, a random news feed popped into my screen, and some photos just appeared in my screen.. it just got me in a reminiscing mood...

I'm in a happy but complicated and difficult relationship as of the moment, and hopefully for the rest of my life minus the complicated and difficult.. I can't complain about almost anything about this girl, she was the one I was always looking for..

Then it hit me, like how Ted told his kids the story of how he met his children's mom, but it turned out to be the story on who he had to be before he met the mother of his children.. on a sleepless night, I thought about all the shit I had to go through before I met this girl...

I forgot what show or movie I watched but I heard someone saying "our life is defined by 4-5 moments, moments that will define who you are"... and as of now, these are all I can think of.. I have 6 of them when I finished writing this shit..



"Lose weight, then come back to me"

Oh snap, one of the most painful things I've ever gone through.. at first I took it as a compliment, that she liked me and could have loved me if I lost a few pounds back then.. I was qualified except for one thing, and I thought that wasn't bad and that I could work on that.. I went on to lose weight and be in shape, but then it came to my senses, this bitch wants a trophy boyfriend, that I could have possibly had whatever she wanted out of a guy and could have given her everything she could have wanted except for being the one she can flaunt as a trophy to everyone else... that hurt.. so never mind... but hey, at least it made me lose weight and never come back to being that fat ass.. or so I thought...

From then on I made sue that I was slightly in shape to look decent... I never really dreamed of having those six packs, but I'd take it if it will come in a cereal box..

"I can't love you because I can never be proud of you"

Different girl, same old shit... On my fucking birthday celebration.. In my bed... about 4 in the morning. Ouch.

I thought I had it, I looked fairly decent, but I had no plans.. I was going up against all this studs and all the hunks and jocks and whoever else wanted that girl... I thought I was good enough for her to be in my bed in that state at that particular hour of the night.. but damn, I never saw that coming... I was frienzoned like fuck and then I was dumped like garbage.. fuck it, I was missing something in my life... I had to be good in something... I had to have something I can be proud of... as of that moment, I didn't know what it was and I had no idea what I wanted.. great sex though.. but OUCH.


"She will never know, he will never know, no one will ever know... we are living in this moment and we are seizing it"

Was what I always said when I did unforgivable things to a certain someone.. everyone always thinks that they will never get caught when they do such things.. I remember it like it was yesterday, I don't regret it, not because of the sex, but because of the lessons I learned of how much we can lose by exchanging a loyal and faithful girl for a one (or two) night stand with a random (or just a slutty) girl.. God knows how much I want to say sorry for everything I've done, I've written about it countless times in this blog.. but this will, and would always be, one of the most stupid things I've ever done and one of the things that define who I am today..

"I'm getting married, I just finished having sex with him"

The biggest what the fuck of my life.. I was stunned, paralysed, bedazzled and whatever other words you can say to describe that feeling... I was a thousand miles away, I couldn't do anything to defend myself or try to win her back or anything... there was nothing else I can do... all hope was lost, I destroyed our relationship and what a way to exact revenge on me.. perfect.. It hit me like a freight train... I can still remember hearing the voice of the guy in the background as she made that phone call to me.. I couldn't blame her for what she did, but fuck did that hurt.. The first time I was left without a clue on what to do next..

"I Love You"

TO HER BOYFRIEND. HAHA

So there was this girl, one of my best friends, that I've always been soft to, I've always loved her and she never knew about it, I'd just wake up seeing random phone calls I made to her when I was drunk or something.. She was always special.. I was always there for her and she was always there for me, but damn did it hurt, when in a position of stress, in a literal life and death situation, she called her boyfriend overseas, told him what's happening, and said those three words right when I was there looking straight at her.. damn. I realised that there will always be that someone, the best one I'll never have.. but I respected that, and from then on I knew that she will always be my friend, nothing more... and I'm okay with that.

"She's cheating on you, She's just using you"

Talk about Karmas biggest slap on my face.. there I was, proud of what I achieved, sorry for what I've done, lost all the weight I can without starving myself to death, thinking I've learned the lesson of the universe.. I did my best to be good and do good, be professional in what I do, and be satisfied with maybe not the perfect, but decent girl.. I could have gone with whoever I wanted, I could have fucked my way with all those who wanted to, but I didn't, because I learned the lesson of having and losing someone.. I was loyal and faithful now, I was honest and I thought that was enough... then the news hit me, and it was with hard proof. So there it was, the bitch admitted and was proud to tell people that she was cheating and was just using me for whatever, (hopefully great sex included), but fuck that shit, I'm done, I'm out, I didn't even need and explanation or whatever.. I'm out, thanks karma.. Good luck to her living a concubine and adulterers life though.. I guess that makes her feel beautiful.




Then everything seemed to fall into place, I went somewhere else to find peace and escape, but I guess this is the place where I found myself, everything I wanted to do, all that I want to be and who I wanted to be with... Things will sometimes be difficult and frustrating at times, but as of now, personally I think ready for all the things coming my way...

bring it on.

"Please don't hurt me"

I may have looked like a maniac or a psycho that night... someone crazy you just met recently, a drunkard berating all sorts of relationships and how it doesn't work, someone torn apart having been hurt countless times... I was someone back at square one, trying to forget every wrong decision I made in the past few years...

I never knew what I was after, all I knew was you were the new girl who walked in that front door while I was sleeping in the couch, I found it funny that you we're struggling to speak english while borrowing an umbrella from one of our friends, that was the first time I saw your face and heard your voice.. I never told you but I called everyone for a huddle right after you left... asking out who the hell was that girl borrowing the umbrella.. "She's pretty" was what I first had in mind... and I set everyone out on assignments to try and get to know all about you...

I never knew you would change everything..

I stopped at nothing to get your attention, maybe at the time I just wanted someone to be with and someone to flirt with... parties here and there, beer and drinks everywhere, breakfast, lunch, dinner... "You name it, I'll get it" was my play..

We never really had the privacy at first, we were always surrounded by our housemates and friends, but even so, I never stopped trying to make a connection with you...

I never even knew my intentions for you at that time, I didn't know what I wanted.. A relationship? someone to fuck? a companion? someone to listen to all my shit?... I didn't know... all I knew was I couldn't take all my senses off of you... I couldn't stop talking to you telling you whatever stories... I couldn't stop wanting to listen to you trying to speak english and telling me stories about your country... I can't stop wanting to be with you all the time since the first day... I never knew what was gonna happen next...

You were that quirky, cheerful and intelligent girl that I really enjoyed being with, you took my head off all the other girls in that dorm... I just wanted you and I just wanted to be with you all the time... not to mention you can drink as hard or even harder than me... you were perfect..

All I remember was that I didn't want to ask the question "Do you have a boyfriend?".. because I was afraid I wouldn't like the answer... because I find it impossible that a smart and pretty girl like you would not have someone waiting for you in your country when all that you had to do during your time here was over... or have someone here see you the way I did... but when you said you didn't have anyone... I knew it... You had to be mine...

Then so it happened... We finally had our privacy in a form of a cigarette break... everyone was inside partying... and there we were, I had you all for myself... You were teasing me of being gay, and I knew that was the perfect play to try and kiss you... the whole "I'll prove to you that I'm not gay" shit..

Score..

but then......

I'll always remember the first thing you told me after the first time we kissed...

"Please don't hurt me"

I never knew that those words from you would change everything...

From then on, we probably knew that it was gonna be one crazy summer..

And that was just the beginning...

Through the Distance..

Oh well... It sucks...

Everyone expects it to be hard.. it never comes easy...

When you know the other one is loyal and honest as fuck, trust is not an issue, and well in this case, its not...

It sucks in a way that you miss the person so much... that you want her to be a part of your every day life and routine, well, she still is, through Skype.. It sucks though that she isn't there when you wake up in the morning, no one to cook breakfast for, no one to take to work or to wait to go home... No one there to make a debate on where to eat or what to eat for dinner... and countless other things that you've grown accustomed of doing with her before you got separated...

No one wanted it to be like this, we all know that if we had the means to be together with the person we love, we will do so... but life has a way of twisting things a little.. We never know what's gonna happen, what opportunities and all the other crazy things coming our way...We have very little control of what's gonna happen next, and we try to make the most out of that...

Fact is, you met for a reason, there has to be something behind everything... I believe in that shit.. Everything happens for a reason... We met for a reason, we fell in love for a reason, we became separated for a reason and someday, somehow, we will meet again for a reason...

Only question is when and how...

I have no idea as well... we can control the situation as much as we can, but truth is everything that's gonna be is gonna be... you'll never know...

It's normal to be negative at some point, ask the questions "is this worth it?" or "is this a deadend?" it's normal to doubt and question the state of your relationship...

But then...

You reminisce and remember about all the happy thoughts and happy memories you've shared together, all the things you've done and all the other things you could have done... everything that can happen or that is yet to happen..

Yes its hard, going the distance is hard as fuck.. but I guess I can say that it's for the strong willed, for the truly inlove, for those people willing to risk a few years of being apart for the hope of being together for the rest of your lives...

Most people say it doesn't work, that its doomed... but for those who succeeded in it, they claim that every minute of being apart was worth it for it made them love each other even more.. the longing, the missing, the countless nights of being alone was all worth it when it came to that particular moment that you lay your eyes on each other face to face once again...

Good things come to those who wait... Distance makes the heart grow fonder... only the strong ones survive... etc etc.. all the cliches and positive quotes about going through a long distance relationship start to catch your interest.. believing in those words, in those phrases and stories of success in such kind of relationships... you start to wish that all those words apply to everyone... but in reality, it doesn't...

It's all about faith in each other... the willingness to go through all the pain and hardships of being in a long distance relationship... knowing that one day... it will all make sense and it will all be worth it... with the right person... at the right moment.... at the right place...

I found mine, and it sucks that we're going through this right now... but it's worth the damn wait... and as of the moment... the first part of going through this relationship is done.. the next meeting is set...

Step by step we will be able to solve this puzzle... and as long as we're both into it.. We will figure it out...

.....together through the distance...