Karma

Lahat tayo masasaktan ng kung sino mang tao sa isang punto ng mga buhay natin, daraan tayo sa mga panahong magmumukmok tayo sa isang tabi, kasama ng barkada, magpapakalango sa alak at magmimistulang tanga at mukhang gago sa harap ng madla.

Pero paano kung baliktarin ang sitwasyon?.. paano kung ikaw ang ilagay sa sapatos ng taong nanakit sayo? Katulad ng sitwasyong masasaktan tayo, darating din ang panahon na tayo ang mananakit o makakasakit sa iba, na tayo ang magiging dahilan ng kalungkutan at pagmukhang tanga ng iba.

Darating ang oras na gugustuhin nating maglaro, landi dito, landi diyan, tira dito, tira doon. Dadating ang panahon at makakakilala ka ng tao na tanga at kakagat sa mga style mong bulok. Paasa dito, paasa diyan, painosente at desente sa labas, libog na libog at tigang na tigang sa loob.

Aminin natin, sa mga panahong ganon, hindi mo na iisipin kung ano ang nararamdaman o kung ano ang kahihinatnan pagkatapos mong gawin ng mga bagay na pinapantasya mong gawin at malamang lamang ay gagawin mo maya maya diyan sa kaharap mo.

Lahat ng trip niya, trip mo din kunyari, lahat ng patawa niya nakakatawa kahit hindi naman talaga, lahat ng kwento at mga walang kwentang bagay na sinasabi niya pakikinggan mo, ikaw itong si sige lang ng sige, nagpapanggap na interesado sa mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya pero sa loob mo, gusto mo nang matapos ang inuman at iuwi na siya sainyo.

Uuwi kayo o pupunta sa isang lugar na kayong dalawa lang para “magpawala ng tama” “tumambay” o kaya naman ay “magpahinga” pero alam naman natin kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng mga bagay.

Walang emosyong madadamay, hindi pa handa sa relasyon, nadala ng alindog, lasing lang at kung ano pa mang mga sentimyentong maglulusot sayo dahil malamang sa malamang walang kung ano mang ibig sabihin para sayo ang ginawa mo, ngunit dun sa isa, meron.

Pagkatapos ng lahat, gigising kayong magkatabi, bola bola konti, magbibihis, halik dito halik diyan tapos hatid na doon.

Pagkatapos? Kalimutan na na parang walang nangyari. Iwas iwas o kaya naman tratuhin ang tao na tinuring mo lang talaga siyang laruan nung gabing yun at magmistulang bato na nagmamaangmaangan sa katotohanang nasasaktan at hindi komportable yung isa sa ginawa mong pagtrato sakanya matapos niyang maghubad at bumukaka sa harap mo.

Feeling mo ang strong mo at chikboy ka, cool at astig dahil naka score ka nanaman, siguro sa simula oo. Pero ang matindi pag binalikan ka na ng karma.

Ngayon balik tayo sa simula, yung parte na nasasaktan ka, na para bang kasalanan ng mundo lahat ng nangyayaring hindi maganda sa buhay mo. Isipin mong mabuti yung mga bagay na nagawa mo at yung mga taong nasaktan mo. Kwits na ba? Lugi ka ba o grabe na?..

Darating sa punto na ikaw uli ang masasaktan, ikaw ang ibabasura ng kung sino mang trip mo at ayaw sayo, na ikaw ang babalewalain at hindi papansinin. Ang sakit diba?.. siguro ganito o marahil mas malala ang naramdaman nila nung ikaw ang nanakit sakanila..

Ang pinakamasakit? Hindi mo makuha ang taong gusto mo at nakita mong masaya na sa buhay nila ang mga taong sinaktan mo, dadaplis kahit papano sa utak mo na kung nagtino ka at sineryoso mo ang kung sino man sakanila, marahil ay ikaw ang nagbibigay ng ligaya sakanya ngayon at siya din sayo, pero wala, sa simula masarap at ang okay ang pakiramdam, feeling mo ang laking bagay mo sa buhay nila, siguro dati oo, pero ang katotohanan, isa ka nalang memoryang magpapatunay sakanya na talagang may mga taong sadyang gago sa mundong ito.

Darating din ang oras na ikaw mismo gugustuhin mo manghingi ng tawad at paumanhin doon sa mga taong nasaktan mo, hindi natin alam kung kakausapin o pakikinggan ka pa nila o kung makikita mo pa sila o kung ano pa man. Sa kabila ng lahat, maniwala man sila o hindi, makinig man sila o hindi, malaman man nila o hindi, alamin mo nalang sa sarili mo na minsan sa buhay mo, nasaktan ka at naintindihan mo na kung ano ang pinaramdam mo sakanila dati at na sa kalooblooban mo, hindi mo man maamin ay ginusto mong humingi ng paumanhin sa mga katarantaduhang nagawa mo, kahit alam naman na nating huli na ang lahat.

Masakit talagang balewalain ng taong ginugusto mo, na lahat gusto mo ibigay, lahat gagawin mo, magmukha ka nang tanga at lahat mapakita lang na gusto mo siya, pero sa huli hindi ka man lang niya pinapansin o kaya nama’y dinedeadma ka lang.

Marahil yun ang karma, yung pakiramdam na nung handa ka nang magseryoso at na gusto nanng magpaligaya ng iisang tao, ngunit hindi ka pinapansin, at yung mga taong gusto kang paligayahin at hindi mo pinansin at binalewala mo dati, maligaya na sa iba ngayon at wala nang pakialam sayo.

Karma. Saklap.

Kaya siguro nandyan ka’t nagiisa.

Something Old

Letting go of something old is something we all have to go through in life, we all reach the point wherein we are to choose between keeping something in our lives or let it go. Reality says that its not really that easy because once you think of letting go of something, we tend to look back to the time when that something was what exactly we wanted, we realize that at one point in time, that particular something made us happy.

Photographs.. There is a reason why we smile when we take photos of the moments that were special in our lives, birthdays, celebrations, anniversaries or even just the times that we feel like capturing the moment, we hope that one day in the future, we’ll look back and we’ll be reminded of the moments that we once treasured together. First dates, coffee afternoons, surprises, romantic dinner dates, random cute photos, beach outings and so on. Letting these photos go somehow makes us move on from the smile that once meant everything to us, those eyes that shined when we looked straight right into it, those hands that we once held tight and never wanted to let go, the face that once was the prettiest and that person right beside us that once meant the world to us..

Letters.. When we write these letters, we do our best to put every single emotion we have in our body into words, with that thought in mind, the letters we receive from that someone special in our life tends to reach out into our hearts, knowing that they took it from all the emotions they feel inside.. In the process of letting these pieces of papers go, there is a possibility that we read them one last time.. We’ll all go through all the “I love you’s” and the “I miss you’s” and all the other sweet sentiments we used to share for the last time. Reading these pieces of papers for the last time and throwing it away or burning them into ashes helps us move on from all the feelings we’ve felt when we first read those words. The “I miss you” that you wrote when we were apart and you felt like you needed me by your side.. The “I care for you” that you wrote by just wanting to tell me how much you are there for me at the time.. and the “I love you” that at that point in time, was the reason behind my inspiration.. Eventually it will come to a time that we’ll have to move on, keeping these letters won’t do any good because they will just make us remember how special these papers were for us at one point in our lives. We can never rewrite what already has been written. Its done, its over, burn in, throw it, turn it into an airplane and let it fly away, or a boat and make it sail away.

Sentimental Objects.. These kinds of objects can be random things in your room, movie tickets, couple shirts, jewelry, stuffed toys and so on. Objects that were symbolism of how much they loved you, like monthsary gifts, birthday gifts, random surprises, pasalubongs from random places and whatsoever. Objects that will remind you of them and how you both gave meaning to simple things and turned it into something special between the two of you.. Letting these go will help us move on from all the sentiments we’ve shared with that particular someone in our life. Before throwing them away, we think back and remember each and every special memory or sweet sentiments behind every single one of those objects, take one last smile or shed one last tear, because sooner or later, we’ll all have to let these memories fade.

And lastly,

You..

It has been a roller coaster ride since we broke up, a lot of shit has happened and a lot of unexpected and unprecedented craziness has taken place. Letting you go was never really easy, at some point I tried to be strong and keep it to myself, I tried to pretend that I’m getting through with it, I tried to keep it all to myself to hide the pain. I tried to love again but no one seemed to be comparable to you and what we had. There have been a few bumps and quite a few bruises along the way. It took some time for me to swallow the fact that it was already dead and gone. You were once the meaning to my life, you were once my everything, the reason for my smile and the one who used to make everyday of my life worthwhile.

Not until now have I really taken letting go of everything that reminded me of you seriously. I tried to do this before but to no avail, I always end up unconsciously remembering everything that used to be.

But now, it’s about time, to let go of everything that used to be, it’s inevitable, one way or the other I’ll have to let go..

The final nail in the coffin containing all the photos, the letters, the objects and all those wonderful memories with you.. Time to bury it and start anew.

At First Sight..!!

Miss,

Less than 24 hours has passed since we first met, and you probably have no idea that I'm right here writing about you, I figured I'd write something about you since you haven't left my mind ever since "hello".. Hoping that this would turn out to be something worth coming back to in the years to come if ever the words "you" and "I" can turn into "we" in the future..

Some people do not believe in love at first sight, some people view it as something unbelievable or something impossible, for how can one out of two strangers, at a simple exchange of glances or smiles, fall in love with the other just like that... I was one of those people who never believed that it was possible, thought of it as something childish and even foolish... I always thought of the word "love" as something not to be too generous with, something not to give out easily for we all know the troubles that come with that one simple word...

Less than 24 hours ago... that point of view of mine changed...

It's in a guy's nature to be attracted to a pretty girl at first sight, attraction is normal to all human beings, we are driven by our personal preferences, our type, our criteria's and whatever other words we people use to make a list of what do we want in our ideal partner..

To some, being a romantic seems like such a joke when you had a bad reputation about things in the past.. but believe it or not, at first glance, I felt something different inside..

When I first saw you, I didn't want to bed you up like how it turns out most of the time with other random pretty girls that pass by, I just wanted wanted to know your name and wanted you to know mine... I didn't picture you going home with me and sleeping with me, I wanted to spend time with you however you wanted to spend it to get to know you better.. I didn't want to get you drunk and take advantage of you, I wanted you to be normal and tell me about yourself without any influence of alcohol.. I didn't want a random kiss from you out of nowhere, I just wanted to see you smiling and enjoying the time we were sharing.. In most cases I would have wanted all the things that I said I didn't want but somehow it all meant nothing when I was with you, I only wanted to get to know you more and more.. and when you were leaving, I didn't want to tell you to stay but I wanted you to look forward 'til the next time..

It was more than just you being a fun, kind, sassy but classy, seemingly intelligent, responsible non alcoholic type of woman that caught my attention, that even up to this moment of me writing, I'm still trying to figure out what could I have seen for me to feel this way..

Call it crazy but I want to gamble on this, from this day on I will seize every opportunity possible or impossible to get to know you even more.. no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it gets.. I know for sure that you are the kind that's worth the risk.

That was how love at first sight felt for me.. It may have been infatuation or what but I'm certain that your no ordinary girl..

For all I know, you had me at "Hello"....


-krmc

Cruise Ship Log.. Part 1.

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I believe the flag of the Philippines is supposed to be somewhere beside the flag of the Bahamas in the side of the ship since 90% of the population in the ship is Filipino.

I have heard more Filipinos talking using the “Visaya” dialect than the actual Tagalog language.. And the fact that some other foreigners know some words in the dialect that I have never heard of.

The Internet is a luxury. $20 for 220 mins. (Fair connection)

Sleeping in the top bunk is somehow an initiation for new hires.

At first, you’ll find the top bunk small and uncomfortable, but soon enough, due to stress at work and a few bottles of beer.. Eventually you wouldn’t mind…

Literally, every time I state the fact (I only tell when asked) that I spent my internship in the States, and that I studied at CSB, the next thing I’ll hear will all be about why the hell did I consider working in a cruiseship, how people would kill for that opportunity to work in America and why I never came back (different story, not related to professional matters)

Rooming with people old enough to be your fathers can somehow turn out to be a knock in my head to be a “man”

Working with people old enough be my fathers makes me realize how lucky I am to have been this young earning the same salary as people more than 20 years older than me.

Every night before I go to sleep, literally… my cabinmates are watching endless movies featuring their one and only idol…. Robin Padilla.. as im writing this, they are watching Robin and Joyce Jimenez..

I got to see a scene in a movie when BB Gandang Hari was still Rustom Padilla and in the scene he is trying to make out with a girl, then punched her in the groin when she refused.. I couldn’t imagine.

Crab Mentality is the most common Filipino trait in the workplace.. next to Patriotism.. “Mayabang yang si ano” “akala mo kung sino yang si ano” “sipsip yang si ano”… then “Iba talaga pinoy ano?”

I never hear my name anymore, its always gonna be “Do” “Dong” “Bai” “Kar” “Pare” “Tropa” “Bords” “Ser” “Papi”

Softdrinks ($1.50) is more expensive than Beer (Bud, Corona, Heineken @ $1 each)

My workplace is ruled by Jamaicans (Executive Sous, Sous, Tournant)

“I will eat” is now “Chopchop” pointing to my mouth and “I need to go to the bathroom” is now “PeePee” pointing to my pet down there.

Majority of my seniors are Indians, senior in terms of time in the ship..

Regardless of my personal grudge against Indians, some of them really get into my nerves... some of them love to feed of my little mistakes..

Tone of voice and intonation clearly is a difference maker in communication, especially with Indians.

Some Indians are really nice.

Indonesian girls are gifted.

Indonesians call fellow Indonesians “Sayang”

Employees with multiple flags in their plates speak different kinds of languages.

South African employees are flattered when I address them as “sir” and “ma’am”

There is a country called “Mauritius”

I was in the carving station when someone was holding up their thumb in front of me, I thought he was acknowledging my work so I thanked him, giving him a confused look as well.. little did I know that some cultures count using their thumb as the number 1.

Apple products are considered as their rewards to their hard work.

The crew mess has a station lined up with Filipino dishes everyday.

The sun sets at around 11pm and rises around 2 and 3.. Since I arrived in Europe, I never saw the dark sky yet…

My elders do not want me to use “Po” and “Opo”

It is really hard to say no to a Russian girl smiling while requesting something.

Foreigners love it when my Filipino colleagues make a fool out of themselves, earning them a ticket to their cabins.

Condoms are free.

Befriending some gay colleagues could be of really good use. (Linens, Laundry, Pillows etc.)

Befriending superiors (Sous, tournant, officers etc) is highly advisable for a more comfortable life onboard.

My Spanish pick up lines actually work.

My French suck, but is somehow understandable.

They could not believe that I speak good English.

Almost all foreigners know the Filipino curse words.

1 beer a night relieves you of your whole days’ stress.

So far (in my knowledge), I’m the youngest crew onboard.

Age is just a number

Somehow, you will learn how to fit two people in a small bunk.

Noise management must be practiced..

TO BE CONTINUED…

Phoenix..

How well do we people understand the word "defeat"?...

Competition is a very good source of motivation in almost every aspect of everything in this world.. It drives us to do better than the other party... Where's the thrill when you know you've won it from the starting bell right?...

Victory is so much better tasted having known that equal or better minds and body have been going head to head with you for whatever it is you are competing for.. a basketball game, a poker match, a sprint in the oval, a debate or better yet, the heart of someone..

Call it pride or whatever, but it simply just goes that way.. It's a fact that feeling superior over another is one thing most of us crave for...

The feeling of winning is so much easier to digest than the pain of defeat.. Knowing that you gave your all towards something and failing in the end is one of the most painful things that could happen in someone's life..

"It could have been me"... "It should have been me"... "I thought it would be me"...

These will probably be the frustrations in someone's mind following defeat... the painful fact that you had the shot but something fucked it up or someone fucked you up... or maybe you yourself fucked it up..

But how long would it take for one to bounce back from a failure?.. How hard will it take for someone to get back at his own feet following an awkward fall to the ground?... and how would you face the world who is now aware of what the hell has happened to you?..

With the winners feeding their glorious pride... the losers have no other better option than to step on theirs and move on.. it's done, the results have been shown, the winner proclaimed and the prize delivered..

Pointing fingers or making excuses are all but shit to ease the pain but at the end of the day, you only have yourself to blame..

Acceptance is key.. the start of another path, the beginning of another journey and the chance to do better...

Always keep the competitive fire burning... for from the ashes of that fire, a phoenix will eventually rise..

There Will Always Be...

We always get to choose who we want to be attracted to, who we want to admire and who we want to like.. We get to choose the people who we want to be surrounded with and who we want to spend time with.. We meet new people at some points in our lives, and we get to choose who are the ones we'll keep over time..

We call these people our "Friends"

Fact is, one of these "friends" could possibly turn out to be your mate, or that one of these "friends" would probably be your bridge towards finding the ONE..

Falling for a close friend can turn out to be either the best decision of your life or the worst, given the risks involved.. the people involved and the circumstances around.. playing it safe and staying in the middle is probably the most common thing happening, this is where the words "respect" and "boundaries" come into play..

Respect the friendship, all the good times, bad times, and whatever times you have had with this "friend" of yours are all in the balance with this strange feeling of yours, risking that everything may fall apart and never be the same if you gamble with your emotions. Know your boundaries, you are a "friend" to him or her as well, you should know the limits within that label as a "friend" and keep it that way until you are definite on how you'll play your cards..

Eventually, time will pass by and you will be attracted to some other people around you, maybe even spend a night or two, or get into a relationship or so, some random guy/girl from the club, a former classmate perhaps, a workmate, foreign exchange, an old fling, or whatever else... fact is he or she probably will as well.. and you as his/her "friend" have no choice but to bear all that if you are still what you think is "in love" with her..

"Friendzone" as some may call it, the point where you are in love with your friend but he/she is not or he/she is taken, or lesbian or whatever the universe can negatively offer..

This is the crazy part, you feel pain when you find out that he/she is getting hurt by someone else but at the same time, you feel pain as well seeing him/her happy with someone else, what the fuck right?.. all those crazy lines like "I'm happy for him/her" or "I'm happy as long as he/she is" or "I only want you happy, even if it's not with me" are all but sentiments and words to ease the pain.. True, eventually you'll have to be happy for him/her or else you'll go crazy mourning over something that is seemingly impossible to undo for the rest of your life... True, you'll have to be happy or else you'll be sad forever.. True, you want her to be happy... False, "even if it's not with you"? Bullshit, at some point maybe yes, but at the spur of the moment, you definitely are engulfed with pain and frustration knowing the fact that you lack the ability or the capability to secure him/her as your partner.. fact is you know deep inside that you want to be the one for him/her but circumstances just don't allow you to or you are just afraid to risk it or MAYBE, you love him/her too much for you to put whatever you already have with him/her on the line..

Worth a shot? maybe, you'll never really know unless you try... worth the risk? up to you...

In this world we live in, there will always be that someone who will always be special no matter what, someone dear to you, someone you'll always want to keep close... a friend that will always be... a friend that could have been..

A love that never was...

-KRMC.

Reboot...

The world I live in...

Hopefully some of you guys would find some similarities within your world and mine... a deeper insight on things happening around us, a darker approach to some of the things we all think is so simple and mild... the real world wherein happy endings are not that easy to achieve.. but somehow, we all find out a reason to believe..

A touch of the ugly truth, the painful facts and the strength of hope..

A world we all share in common...

-KRMC.

Signing off...

Apparently, the fuel that keeps the engine working has run out... Thanks to all who have read the entries, from all over the world..

Dun sa mga nakarelate, napatawa, natouch at mga natamaan, good for you..

This will be my last entry..

krphclo..