Just Before I Go

G,

I know I haven’t been fair to you the past month, even if you tell me that everything is okay, I’m not stupid not to realize that you’ve been hurting because of me. I didn’t want this to be D all over again that it will come to a point where I’ll take your kindness for granted and do whatever I want.

N came and went, it was the adventure I needed, the escape I always wanted, and somehow, I’ll be honest, I got caught between fantasy and reality, for awhile I thought that maybe I could have just let you go and went with her to God knows where, but I didn’t, you know I have issues with word dropping, and believe it or not, I didn’t tell her anything to have mislead her into coming back or staying or whatsoever, the same thing with you, I always kept it real, the whole time I was with you were the only times for the longest time that I was actually myself, I was speaking sincerely and honestly whenever I was with you, past issues with my exes friends and the reputation I never wanted, specially the time that I told you that I didn’t know what to do with my life, and that I didn’t know how to move forward with what could have been our relationship without having something to be proud of.  I was sincere when I told you that I wanted what we had, it’s all I could have asked for, Trish was right, you were my chance at finally finding someone worth settling down for, I knew all the facts, and I was ready for it, I meant every single word I said… but then Seda happened.

We both know we happened way too quick, and its not an issue, the problem was I jumped into our relationship thinking that I had a guaranteed future here in Manila,  and I was fucked up like crazy when that shit with Seda happened, I didn’t know what to do, I had to draw up another plan, and that was when N came.

I had to think, maybe Seda happened to slap it in my face that I was not meant to work here or stay here, and maybe N came here to remind me that I still have much of the world to see, and that it was not yet time to settle down. I don’t know, these are endless thoughts and theories that I’ll never get to prove, but I did realize those things during my trip last April, and don’t get me wrong, it was never a choice between you and N, it never was and it never will be. It was a choice between staying here or leaving, and you know the path I chose, I always had bad luck here, and so I chose to leave.

I wanted it to be you, to be us, but the timing and the circumstance doesn’t add up, I just have to do this, I want to achieve this goal and finally have something to be proud of that I worked hard for, and when the time comes that my pride and ego gets the better of me again, please remember this, remember that I was always real with you, no pretensions, no lies, remember that you have been part of my life even for that short period of time, thank you for making me feel that I can be loved and cared for regardless of what kind of past I had. You were there for me at my lowest point but you still believed in me, you have no idea how much I’m grateful to you for doing so.

This was not an easy decision to make, but this is for the better, its better that we do this now than end up hurting each other when were apart. Sometimes I wish that you could have been just an annoying bitch who nags and complains all the time to make all this easier, but you're not, and the fact that there's nothing I can complain about you makes this a hundred times harder, because you don't deserve to have been put through all this shit.

I won’t ask you to wait for me, I wont even ask you to talk to me or ask you anything at all, this was my side of the story, I couldn’t care less if you believe me or not, but you know how I am when it comes to these things and I owe this to you, for everything, for your time and your affection and for letting me into your life, not knowing that It will end like this.

I don’t know if you’ll believe anything I say right now, and some of your friends will probably hate me even more, I’m sorry, it was never a game, and I always took what we had and what we could have had seriously, I could have left without saying anything, but I can’t do that to someone like you, like I said, you were a gem, and I probably will regret letting you go, but that’s how life is, we take risks and be prepared for the consequences, and this was my risk to take.

I will always keep the rosary near me, and I will always be grateful that I had someone like you even for a short period of time, and I will always regret not having been the one to have given you the attention and the future you deserve, but for now, I really must leave.

I changed, yes, I learned my mistakes from D, and I didn't want this to end the same way and so I chose to end it before it even began. I don't know what that makes me, if it damages my reputation even more, I don't know and I don't care, but please know that I never had any intention of playing with your feelings and hurting you, fate just didn't let the stars align for us this time, and believe me that if they did, I would never have let you go, but sometimes things doesn't always go our way, like I said, there's always a catch, and this happened to be it.

This is not to sugarcoat or whatever, but I always meant what I said about how I look at you as a person, as a woman, you deserve to be loved more than you know, and you will be.

God bless the guy who gets you.


Sincerely,

K